Today I am overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. You see, 27 years ago my son was born brain dead because I was in full-on eclamptic seizures and the blood rushed away from him to save my brain. I never got to hold him, never got to say goodbye, and that Mother’s Day was spent trapped on a maternity ward without my child. I woke up this morning and wished him a Happy Birthday and I prayed to God for the courage to get through this difficult day for me. To further complicate m

Originally published on https://moderndayscarletto.wordpress.com/ Stay tuned, as a lot has changed in 6 years, but the one thing that didn’t was my desire to write and share my ongoing journey to find myself and learn to love myself unconditionally. I have missed this forum and the connections I made here. It’s been too long, and the sad thing is, I’m still trying to put all the puzzle pieces together, but this time, I’m completely sober and no longer on any medications. I a

Monday I began the Free 21 Day Meditation with Oprah and Deepak that was all over the internet.  Thus far, it has been great, and I would definitely suggest it to anyone interested in getting back into their meditation habits or newly trying meditation.  I find it totally amusing that I am even suggesting this to anyone when six months ago I shuddered at the thought of sitting still and becoming in touch with my inner self and being, but as I have said before and will say aga

How many of us truly understand the final dance scene in Silver Linings Playbook? How many of us realize that it is an interpretation of Bipolar? That it symbolizes the dance we all do on a daily basis? How many people actually believe that “normal” people understood that part of the movie? Personally, I believe that everyone without a mental illness thought the final dance scene was disconnected, sporadic and made no sense. Hahahahahaha. Typical. How many people in America a

If you asked me three months ago if I could be still with myself, the answer would have been a strong, harsh no.  Three months ago today I was sent home from Princeton House Inpatient facility after spending forty three days there.  I was scared, unsure and still depressed, but no longer a danger to myself, as was the requirement for discharge. I barely remember coming home or beginning my DBT program the following day.  Three months, however is a long time and in that time,

I need some help, desperately! I have been on Seroquel for over 1 month now and I am suffering from severe writer’s block, so I thought of an idea. I was hoping some of my readers would challenge me and give me a subject or idea on which to write. It is killing me that I cannot just sit down as I have in the past and just start typing away, but think that if someone challenges me, it will be the big kick in the ass I need! Comment below with your idea and I will do my best to

Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest (https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=acceptance). I’m having a difficult time with the acceptance part of my disease.  I actually feel as if I need to be transcribing a eulogy to my former self, because that woman I loved is long gone and despite all my hard work over the p

Tonight was my first “official” night out amongst tons of people I know. My husband and I went out to support our school’s local PTO Tricky Tray. If you have not ever had the luxury of attending such a festival, let me try to recreate the picture for you. First of all, every year ours is held in the local fire hall. As you enter, directly across the room, over the vast array of folded tables, you see the bar, which is a somewhat makeshift wood paneled bar, manned by two of th

Maniacal laughs, Cause tears to stream down my face, Displaying raw pain. #Bipolar #depression #Mania #pain

Triggers, triggers, everywhere. Triggers, triggers, should I care? On Monday at my outpatient program, we had a class called Understanding Triggers. There are five types of triggers according to Boon, Steele and van der hart, in their book Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation (2011). The triggers are: Time Related Triggers, Place Related Triggers, Relational Triggers, Internal Triggers and Sensory Triggers. The trigger I most related to was The Relational Trigger. Boo

Tomorrow is my first full day home alone since returning from the hospital and I am a nervous wreck. I am still far from well, and actually just had a meltdown tonight over picking up my boys from the sitter tomorrow.  Although my moods are a bit more stable, tonight I feel like I am slipping downward again. I am fighting it and trying my DBT skills that I have learned in outpatient, but they really do nothing for me in the moment. Is anyone familiar with DBT? It is all new t

Everyone has a story to tell. I met a gentleman while I was in the hospital that heard me talking about my blog, and he approached me to see if I could help him write his life’s story. Of course I told him I would, so we got to work forming an outline. We swapped email addresses and phone numbers when he was discharged and I do have all intention to help him, but it got me thinking. Why don’t I write my story myself? It’s not like I don’t have one to tell.  Personally things

I have to say over the past two months, I came to the realization that some people really, really love to fart, and some even more than others.  While I was in Princeton House, I met many people that had no  issues with what one might call “Crop Dusting.” After my first day there out amongst the other patients, I learned very quickly to never walk behind many of the patients. We were told to take into consideration that the people on our unit were troubled, had issues and wer

I figured I would share some of the poetry I wrote while I was hospitalized. It certainly captures the velocity at which my moods were changing. I hope you like them, especially considering they were written with a smuggled pen after lights out and a sweatshirt skirting my bed lamp so they would think I was sleeping soundly. Don’t quite know what I could have done with a pen, but the patients were not allowed to have them. In time you will find out just how seriously they tak

During one of our journaling groups, I was asked to write about what I have gotten thus far from Princeton House (the hospital in which I spent 43 days).  At the time, I had already been there 38 days.  I think they were looking for concrete answers, but you know me, I know of no such thing. I realize when I went in I promised all my readers a day by day account of my stay, never realizing it was going to be so very long. I figured I would share some of my most memorable expe

The hospital called and they have a bed. We are off and I am scared, but here’s to the beginning of the journey to find me again. #Bipolar #depression #hospitalization #manicdepression

I came to the realization today that I can no longer try to battle this disease alone. After dropping my children off at school, I felt limp and dead inside as I pulled over to the side of the road. Prior to leaving to bring them to school, my husband and I had words. He told me how we are all living in hell, and I quickly informed him that no one was living in hell more than I.  I yelled at him that he should try living in my brain, the brain which has turned on me and const

You have robbed me of my smile, not only the external one, but the internal one as well. I hate you almost as much as I hate myself right now. #depression #battlingdepression #Bipolar #anger #facesofdepression

Where does one begin to forgive oneself? How does one undo the wrongs one has committed and erase the pain one has inflicted on those one loves? My therapist suggested I start to try and forgive myself a few weeks ago at one of our sessions, but I have no clue as to where I should start. How can I forgive myself when I feel there are so many others that need to forgive me first? Do I apologize to my children for disappearing and letting this disease kidnap their mother? Do I

I wish you would have introduced yourself earlier in my life. Perhaps you tried and I turned a cold shoulder because I was trying to run away from the overwhelming feelings I experienced starting at the age of ten. Was that you who intensified my first broken heart when the boy I liked in fourth grade did not give me a Valentine and I couldn’t stop crying? I was crying so hard and inconsolably that the school nurse had to call my mother to come pick me up from school.  I reme