#depression

Check out “Closing the Chasm: Letters From a Bipolar Physician to His Son”

Jan 6, 2015
1 min

Check out “Closing the Chasm: Letters From a Bipolar Physician to His Son”

https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=sPl8pKYIMh0C I just finished reading this incredibly honest and open book. It’s the fourth book I have read in less than a week. I have found that sitting and reading, despite my jumpy knees and fidgeting feet, helps to keep my mind focused. I have also completed Prozac Nation, An Unquiet Mind, and Unravel, all of which were excellent books as well. I put the link to this book because I loved the format in which it was written.

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Lydia Lampert

Jan 5, 2015
3 min

The Fury Within My Brain

I decided to forego my Ambien last night. As I sat quietly reading in bed, my eyes became heavy and I thought for sure I could sleep without it. I closed my book, rolled over and held my husband as he slept soundly next to me. I drifted off for a little over an hour, and then it happened. Eyes wide open at 1:00 am, chopped ideas of poetry I should compose coming in, one after the other, followed by lyrics to songs I love, worries about the day to come where I would be running

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Louis Zamperini, You Are My Hero: We Should All Remain Unbroken

Lydia Lampert

Jan 4, 2015
3 min

Louis Zamperini, You Are My Hero: We Should All Remain Unbroken

Last night, my husband and I actually had a date. For the first time in a very long time, I felt good enough to go out, so our boys were at sleepovers and I told him we should go get dinner and maybe check out a movie. His eyes lit up like the Christmas tree we, only hours before, had taken down. “Of course, whatever you want to do! I am just happy to be able to see a glimpse of my wife come through.” So, I got dressed, fixed my hair and even put on some makeup. I went so fa

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Lydia Lampert

Jan 4, 2015
2 min

God I Can Hear You

Tonight instead of writing a long post, I was overtaken with emotion and had this poem come to me. I dedicate this poem to my dear friends, Tiffany and Dianne, with an abundance of love. I am not much of a rhymer, as it’s definitely not my thing, but I am either going completely insane or these words were sent to me. They came immediately into my head tonight and I knew this was a sign. I had to share them for there may be someone else out there like me, questioning their fa

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We Are Not Alone: Closet Bipolars in Hollywood

Lydia Lampert

Jan 3, 2015
3 min

We Are Not Alone: Closet Bipolars in Hollywood

Today as I waited to check in at my MD’s office, John Lennon began singing overhead, “People say I’m crazy, doin what I’m doin, Well they give me all kinds of warnings, tryin to save me from ruin…” Was a superior being trying to speak to me through the office sound system? To say it was ironic that a song began to play out the exact thoughts in my mind is an understatement. So, I began to wonder, had John Lennon been subjected to the same torture I am enduring at this very ti

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Lydia Lampert

Jan 1, 2015
3 min

Meredith Viera, Where Are You?

This morning I woke with one predominant feeling: I am alone. Alone, alone, alone. I feel I’ve exhausted all my lifelines except for one, my husband, and I told him today that I feel it is only a matter of time before my darkness and depression and anger drag him down with the weight of a cruise ship anchor. I used to have three lifelines, my husband and my two childhood best friends, but I have come to the realization that I am exhausting everyone. How could I not, if I am e

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The Only Bubbly Thing around Here Goes by the Name of Dom Perignon

Lydia Lampert

Dec 31, 2014
4 min

The Only Bubbly Thing around Here Goes by the Name of Dom Perignon

Over the past two days I have had several people tell me they miss the “bubbly old Lydia” and can’t wait until I feel better. What they are very unaware of is the fact that this was a façade I felt I needed to present to the world in order to have people like me, and also how I managed to cope with my entire life. Fake it until you make it was my motto, I suppose. I had done it for so long, it came easily to me until October’s events completely overtook me, like a gigantic un

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Lydia Lampert

Dec 30, 2014
2 min

Burnt Popcorn

I wouldn’t wish my brain on my worst enemy. That was my repeated thought tonight on the way to my counselor’s office. It never shuts down for even a few minutes. No, I do not have delusions or hallucinations but the thoughts come like a bag of microwave pop corn with 30 seconds left…pop pop pop pop pop pop. They almost interrupt each other. Maybe I would feel better if they were voices interrupting each other but instead they are persistent thoughts and ideas, some nice and c

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Lydia Lampert

Dec 28, 2014
4 min

Twisted Daydreams

Last night I wanted to feel like a “normal” person, after the day I had and the self-loathing I inflicted upon myself, I needed a break from my current reality. We attended a Christmas party at a friend’s. I had not had any drinks for about two weeks now since I have been trying a new medication. Anyway, last night, everyone was drinking and festive and there I was, sipping my water bottle. Although I was still having fun, I wanted to have a glass of wine with my friends. So

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Word Vomit: An Illness That Cannot Be Controlled with Pepto Bismol

Lydia Lampert

Dec 27, 2014
3 min

Word Vomit: An Illness That Cannot Be Controlled with Pepto Bismol

I attempted to look up quotes with regard to self-loathing this morning because I wanted to find one that would apply to this post. Unfortunately, I could not find anything as powerful as the self-loathing and disgust I have with myself today. I despise my behavior and lack of control of it. I hate the fact that the words come out of my mouth like knives. It’s almost surreal. Like I am watching a movie and the female character is identical in body to me, spewing hate and ange

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Post Christmas Madness: The Season of Excess Which Leaves Us with Feelings of Emptiness and Maxed O

Lydia Lampert

Dec 26, 2014
5 min

Post Christmas Madness: The Season of Excess Which Leaves Us with Feelings of Emptiness and Maxed O

The gifts are unwrapped and piled neatly under my tree, some completely untouched. I sit in my living room, staring at the tree, which is now dry and depleted after one month of standing, despite the nourishing water. Needles rain down each time I try to rearrange the presents so it does not look like a clustered mess. I feel a kindred spirit with my once beautiful Christmas tree. I, too, am depleted from my last week of running like crazy to make up for my lack of holiday s

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Lydia Lampert

Dec 25, 2014
2 min

Happy or Unhappy Holidays

Here’s a happy thought, there’s less than 12 hours left to this day. I must admit I enjoyed watching my children unwrap their gifts and to see the happiness on their faces, but at the last present I always feel empty. Like why was all that money spent? Would they have been happy with less? I believe it’s a gift or two that makes a holiday complete, but my husband and I were raised differently. So I allow him to indulge. Lots of times though it leaves me feeling empty. This ye

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Nightmares: Is the Universe Trying to Tell Me Something or Is It Just a Side Effect of the Lamictal?

Lydia Lampert

Dec 23, 2014
3 min

Nightmares: Is the Universe Trying to Tell Me Something or Is It Just a Side Effect of the Lamictal?

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. My dreams are in color. People talk. I see faces and what people are wearing, and when I wake in the morning I can recall minute details that astonish my husband. I love when I have good dreams, like the one I had once that Eminem was coming back after he finished his bus route to take me on a date, but I absolutely despise the nightmares, such as the one I had last night. Last night I dreamt of trying to protect my children and four puppies

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A Scary Version of Letterman’s Top 10 List: 10 Things That Piss Me Off

Lydia Lampert

Dec 21, 2014
4 min

A Scary Version of Letterman’s Top 10 List: 10 Things That Piss Me Off

10.Inept Grocery Baggers: Yes, those who forget to put your last bag in your cart! I mean seriously, I was planning on making Kielbasa with Sauerkraut tonight and pierogi casserole and you little SOB, you forgot to put my bag with the sauerkraut in my cart! I know it’s the holidays and it’s busy in your store, but really? So I drove all the way home and then realized it and I’ll be darned if I’m driving back to the store today. Guess the kielbasa will have to wait! 9.Cheerful

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Lydia Lampert

Dec 20, 2014
3 min

Mommy’s Time Out and I’m Not Talking About the Brand of Wine

Today, the Energizer Bunny fizzled out, like a battery operated window candle that had been left on continuously for a few days. Perhaps I tried to do too much. I set up my Christmas Village, finished decorating the house, fixed the decorations in my front bay window which had all fallen down, made three kinds of cookies, put away a week’s worth of laundry for a family of five, and cleaned my sun porch. Despite that fact I continued to run around like an overtired 3 year old,

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From Grinch to Energizer Snow Bunny: Seriously!

Lydia Lampert

Dec 20, 2014
4 min

From Grinch to Energizer Snow Bunny: Seriously!

Ok, so yesterday, I was in such a deep slump. I slept 18 hours because not only was I depressed, but I also was suffering with an insane migraine. I opted to forego Lexapro because at this point I was convinced it was only making me feel worse. I was running before starting Lexapro and the day I started the med was the last day I ran. Coincidental? I suppose, but strangely so if I say so myself. Anyway, I went to my therapist and we discussed the Lexapro, my current mental st

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Christmas, is the Time to Say I Love You: Good Luck When Your Spirit Has Been Crushed

Lydia Lampert

Dec 18, 2014
2 min

Christmas, is the Time to Say I Love You: Good Luck When Your Spirit Has Been Crushed

It was a simple text, “How are you?” I wish I could answer. I’m just at a loss anymore as to how I am supposed to answer. Certain answers come to my mind today: Crushed, Hopeless, Fatigued, Powerless, Feeling Like a Complete Failure, Hating Myself, but are these the answers anyone wants to hear to that simple question? Of course not, but I don’t have a good answer. Should I write back and say that my husband thinks I hate him? Should I say that my kids probably think I am th

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A Journal Writer’s Roadmap to Her Potential Diagnosis: BiPolar Mixed? Major Depressive D.O.? PTSD? A

Lydia Lampert

Dec 16, 2014
3 min

A Journal Writer’s Roadmap to Her Potential Diagnosis: BiPolar Mixed? Major Depressive D.O.? PTSD? A

In an effort to figure out what the hell happened to me this October, I decided to start ransacking my basement and attic for all my old journals, and especially for my old hospital records from June of 1995. Despite the mess I made in both places, I managed to locate everything. I am still not sure this was a good thing, but none the less, I found the papers I wanted to bring to my therapist for a second opinion. As I have written in another one of my posts, I admitted myse

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I’m Reading the Signs: Living My Version of Silver Linings Playbook

Lydia Lampert

Dec 15, 2014
3 min

I’m Reading the Signs: Living My Version of Silver Linings Playbook

Yesterday was a big day at Eagles Stadium, and I was there in the midst of the chaos and chants, amongst all those drinking and rallying, prepping to take on the hated Dallas Cowboys, for whom I was secretly rooting. When my husband surprised me with these tickets three months ago for my birthday, I was ecstatic. I have loved the Dallas Cowboys since I was a ten year old little girl. Way back when during the days of Danny White and Tom Landry, they lured me in with their bi

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Lydia Lampert

Dec 13, 2014
4 min

Thanks for the Kindling, Jehovahs!

The Jehovah’s showed up at my door this morning to spread the word. The door bell rang and I knew there was no hiding, as I have a huge bay window in front of my home and uncharacteristically, the blinds were open. I contemplated answering versus not answering and just decided to open the door. What did I care that I hadn’t showered in two days and was in my pajama pants and sweater without a bra? They’re non-judgmental, right? They were here to save me, to spread the good wo

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