A Scary Version of Letterman’s Top 10 List: 10 Things That Piss Me Off
10.Inept Grocery Baggers: Yes, those who forget to put your last bag in your cart! I mean seriously, I was planning on making Kielbasa with Sauerkraut tonight and pierogi casserole and you little SOB, you forgot to put my bag with the sauerkraut in my cart! I know it’s the holidays and it’s busy in your store, but really? So I drove all the way home and then realized it and I’ll be darned if I’m driving back to the store today. Guess the kielbasa will have to wait!
9.Cheerful Fake Book People: I can’t stomach anymore pictures of people’s kids with Santa Claus or going to get the tree, or whatever other joyous festivities you and your family are involved in this holiday season. I am ready to just shut my account down. I understand you want to share your joy, but how about getting off the internet and making like Buddy, the Elf and go outside and carol, because as Buddy says, “The only way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” Just don’t come to my house because I am an angry little elf and I may throw stale cookies at you!
8.One-Uppers: We all know this kind of person! “Oh, you are having trouble with depression. I can empathize with you, I had it so bad one time that I ate a whole box of Oreos and a pint of Ben n Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in one night I was so sad and the junk food just made it worse. It was absolutely awful.”
7.Expectant Gifters: I abhor this type of person. Don’t you dare give me a gift with expectations or conditions. I don’t want it. I remember my Dad always telling me never to take gifts from someone or money for that matter, because everything has a condition or expectation. I have always been wary of this and unfortunately I am married to a man whose father is exactly this type of person. It drives me insane.
6.Mean Kids: Oh, they are out there, believe me! I think I was probably one of them when I was a little girl, but I’ve been rehabilitated, as you can see by this list! When my daughter was in third grade she still believed in Santa until this mean little girl told her he was not real. One afternoon, I used Santa as a throw down card and my daughter came right back at me with “Santa’s not even real.” I asked her who told her that and she proceeded to tell me this rotten little girl named, Taylor. I simply explained to her in these exact words that, “Taylor doesn’t believe in Santa because she’s a nasty, evil little girl and that’s why he doesn’t visit her house.” I was so angry I was shaking. Was what I said inappropriate? Hell yes, but don’t piss a mother off by hurting her child because you do that and all bets are off.
5.Life-Sucking Friends: My Dad always told me if you are on your deathbed and you can count five true friends in your lifetime, you should consider your life fulfilled. I thought he was mistaken, but I am finding out the hard way. I have had friends like that, but none worse than the one I finally had to cut ties with recently. I was always there for her through every drama, problem, etc. We were friends for almost thirteen years, but this past fall when I needed her most, she turned her back on me. And unfortunately, she has done that before but I forgave her. Not this time. She has sucked the life out of me for the last time. Friendship is a two way street and I hope that wench is walking the wrong way down a one way and hit by a bus (although she may take out the bus she’s so hard and cold!).
4.Guilt Trips: I thought my father was the master at guilt trips until I met my Catholic father in law. I swear they work to instill this trait in them from the time they dab that Holy Water on the newborn’s forehead. I used to sit silently and just tolerate his little pity parties, but I can no longer bear to keep my mouth shut. He’s one of those that will say, “Oh, I thought you were on vacation I haven’t heard from you in so long…” Listen old man, unless I missed something, you’re fingers are not broken and last I knew, you had a phone too. I’m supposed to have him to my house Christmas morning and I already told my husband I’m probably going to have to take a Xanax since right now, I seem to have lost control of my mouth and my emotions.
3.Judgmental Christians: Need I say more? Grrrrrrrrr.
2.Minimizing Individuals: You know, like people that say, “It too shall pass…” Yes, my depression too will pass, as well as elderly people and wind! And you can be sure, when it does and I feel like a champ again, I will come kick your patronizing little ass.
And the Number One thing that Pisses Me Off is (drum roll please)…
1. PEOPLE THAT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN: Why are you telling me to calm down? My voice is not raised. I am not yelling. I, however, am a passionate person who feels things to her core. When I am upset, I speak my mind, even if it’s not so nice. Sometimes menial things upset me, but please refrain from being condescending. Please, please, please, I beg of you, do not tell me to calm down, because I feel extinguished, I feel invalidated and I will EXPLODE. I don’t mean to right now, but I will.
So consider this a fair warning, Inept Bagger! When I come back into that grocery store and complain about the fact that I couldn’t have kielbasa for dinner tonight, do not minimize my suffering (I was dying for that meal). Do not try to give me a coupon or discount with the expectation that I will return and buy more from your grocery store. Do not put me on a guilt trip and inform me that you were working a double shift. If I am irritated and ranting at you or at Customer Service because I currently lack control of my emotions, please don’t try to calm me down, just simply do yourself a favor, and RUN!