Barren
This morning I was staring out the back door at the trees which have now been stripped of all their colorful leaves in preparation for a long, cold winter. Their long, lanky limbs swayed gently in the breeze against the gray sky. I could have stared out that window all morning long if my legs would have allowed me, but I was tired and lazy, and just wanted to recline on the couch once again. My insides mirror the trees, stripped of all their colorful characteristics. I, too, am barren, however, I cannot bring myself to sway or dance against any back drop. Today I am on the fifth day of my Lexapro, and I swear I felt better before I began to take this medication. At least I felt some form of emotion. Now, there is nothing. No sadness, no anger, no energy…NOTHING. I’m empty. I’m barren, and I’m ready to hibernate for the winter.
I have always been a passionate person, probably at times too passionate, but at least I felt alive. I’m prepared to see this through, but “zombie state” does nothing for me. I wish I knew that this was how I was supposed to feel. I called my doctor who told me this is a normal complaint or side effect mentioned by people newly started on anti-depressants. How awful!
“Wait, you feel depressed? You can’t stop crying? Let me give you something that’s going to make you feel worse!”
I don’t understand it. If I wasn’t so desperate to feel better, I’d probably stop taking the medicine, but I am trusting that in time it will work. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated from anyone…