I wouldn’t wish my brain on my worst enemy. That was my repeated thought tonight on the way to my counselor’s office. It never shuts down for even a few minutes. No, I do not have delusions or hallucinations but the thoughts come like a bag of microwave pop corn with 30 seconds left…pop pop pop pop pop pop. They almost interrupt each other. Maybe I would feel better if they were voices interrupting each other but instead they are persistent thoughts and ideas, some nice and creative and some dark and mean spirited. Short of being shot with a tranquilizer gun, I don’t know how to make them stop.
Thoughts of guilt for my stupid mouth and lack of control for the words that spew from it. Thoughts of rage at people who don’t understand or who I, in my own screwed up paranoia feel have abandoned me. Thoughts of isolating myself completely from the world. Thoughts of disconnecting from every form of media, which are usually followed by fear that people will get mad at me for doing so because they won’t know why, which are then followed by thoughts of offering an explanation in my last status update, which is interrupted by another thought that I don’t want people’s sympathy or attention. When will they stop? OMG. Sometimes I literally feel like I am going crazy. Who knows? Maybe I am already there.
Last night I could not sleep at all. I tossed and turned all night and was itching all over. I felt like I had something moving beneath my skin and it scared me. Prior to being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease I itched for months. I was told by the doctor’s that pruritus is indeed a symptom of Hodgkin’s and last night it kept me awake all night. I actually contemplated taking an Ambien at 2:30am because I could not fall into a sound sleep but didn’t because I knew it was way too late and I’d probably end up sleeping the day away. And the thoughts again entered my mind…was it a symptom of Hodgkin’s back then or was I in some weird mental state then as well?
The uncertainty I feel about everything I have done up to this point in my life is wreaking havoc on my mind. Please mind, stop. I just want some peace. But the thoughts continue to come, even after the microwave timer buzzes and my senses are overtaken by the smell of burnt popcorn.