From Grinch to Energizer Snow Bunny: Seriously!
Ok, so yesterday, I was in such a deep slump. I slept 18 hours because not only was I depressed, but I also was suffering with an insane migraine. I opted to forego Lexapro because at this point I was convinced it was only making me feel worse. I was running before starting Lexapro and the day I started the med was the last day I ran. Coincidental? I suppose, but strangely so if I say so myself.
Anyway, I went to my therapist and we discussed the Lexapro, my current mental state and options for different medications in consideration of the potential that I am indeed Bipolar, although I’m pretty convinced at this point.
Last night around 9pm I started to feel a spark ignite. I didn’t exactly know why, but I do know I liked it, so I finally sat up, got some gifts ordered and headed to bed around midnight or so. I got to bed and slept on and off, but most of the night I sat quietly reviewing every year again of my life, mentally flagging each episode that I would consider my manic phases. They were harder for me to figure out because I have had a tremendous amount of traumatic events occur in my life and up until now, I thought I was being reactive to the stress.
I know, maybe I was just being naïve to my illness, but up until now I have not been medicated since 1995 and I was pretty convinced I was managing just fine. Maybe I was in complete denial. I means seriously, what’s wrong with sending a secret love note to my boss in 1998 suggesting he meet me somewhere for a drink because I thought he liked me? (And I told my therapist I’ve never had feelings of grandiosity!) Or in 2010 to one day decide to rip the wall paper down in my kitchen because I did not like it anymore and at the same time decide to redo my kitchen cabinets by sanding and repainting them. Mind you I got everything finished in less than a week. Why would I complain? I was getting stuff done. I finished my BSN in less than 18 months in 2011 because I was taking 9 credits at a time over 8 week sessions. Also, in 2011, I drove 19 hours with my kids straight to Florida and was pumped the whole way! Why pay for a hotel when you have the energy to drive straight through? Who’s manic? Not me. I was just energetic with a powerful mind that never stopped. I really believed that until this morning.
I woke up this morning and felt like I was high on adrenaline. I felt so incredibly great; I sent my two best friends a text message that stated: “Holy Shit! I am in a manic upswing and I feel like I could bake 15 dozen cookies and run 100 miles!! Do I dare go see the doctor today as planned or just have a happy and Merry Christmas?” I knew it would throw them into a panic but I thought it was hilarious (not inappropriate whatsoever, might I add?). I had felt so utterly crushed the day before and I felt like so much weight had been lifted today that I could possibly float away like a hot air balloon. I could barely contain my excitement, happiness or energy. I did go see my doctor and turned all my old hospital paperwork over to her, but I’d be willing to bet she didn’t need to see it when I started rambling off year after year, and saying how great I felt today and how I did research on Lamictal and Seroquel last night, and how I hated Lithium, yadda yadda yadda. She looked stunned. She had yet to actually see me like this. She even resorted at one point to ask if I thought I should maybe go inpatient for a bit to get “leveled out”! Bahahahahaha, I thought to myself, did she just ask me that? I replied, “No, I feel great today. I’m not suicidal whatsoever,” and I truly meant it, but I am trying to have the insight to know what could be lurking in the wings. If she would have asked me yesterday, I may have crumbled and said yes because that’s just how low I had sunken in my depression. So tell me, was it the 18 hours sleep I got the day before, stopping the Lexapro or have I just been given an early Christmas present by the chemical defects in my brain? I don’t know. I still feel pretty freaking great though right now and I’ve been up for 18 hours. I did start the Lamictal tonight as directed but I am secretly praying the dose is a bit too low and I can stay as happy as I am right now. Anyway, time for an Ambien. Night all!