This morning I woke with one predominant feeling: I am alone. Alone, alone, alone. I feel I’ve exhausted all my lifelines except for one, my husband, and I told him today that I feel it is only a matter of time before my darkness and depression and anger drag him down with the weight of a cruise ship anchor. I used to have three lifelines, my husband and my two childhood best friends, but I have come to the realization that I am exhausting everyone. How could I not, if I am exhausting myself? I am a drag. I am a heavy, depressing, angry force that the other two cannot handle. I know they don’t want to abandon me, but I am abandoning them and everyone who claims to care.
Last night I could not fall asleep and was almost up for 24 hours, finally falling into a sleep at around 3:45am. I was ready for bed around 11, but then it happened. The text messages from people started coming in, “Happy New Year!” One, after another, after another. The text messages sent me spinning. I wanted to scream! And tell every last one of the people to fuck off. I questioned the sender’s sense. I questioned their ignorance. Why on earth would you ever send someone who is beyond depressed a message like that? What do I have to be happy about going into the New Year? Should I celebrate the fact that I am going to be adding yet another doctor to the mix to try to straighten me out? Maybe I should hoot and holler over the fact that I have been able to keep myself out of the hospital, although I feel hospitalization breathing down my neck. It makes the hair on my arms stand on end, and I am desperately running for my life in fear of committal!
I despise feeling this way. I despise that people cannot fathom what it is like when they have never been through it, but what is wrong with educating yourself? I sit back and listen to how egotistical I have become. Doesn’t everyone understand it’s about ME? I disgust me. I am needy and clingy. I know I’m irrational. I know people have their own lives, but I feel so alone. I feel so misunderstood, even by my poor husband who is trying desperately to do anything within his power to make me happy. I have become a person that I hate. I have morphed into the life-sucking friend now.
I want to isolate myself more than I already have. I texted my two best friends last night that I am going off the grid. I no longer want interaction with anyone because I have become nothing but a burden to them, clearly evidenced by my cry for help last night which was readily dismissed and disregarded and responded to with a “Happy New Year!” Seriously? If that was not a sign that they can’t deal anymore, I don’t know what is. Well guess what? I can’t deal with me anymore either. Just when I believed I had hit rock bottom of my depression, I woke this morning even further enveloped in darkness. I feel myself slipping further and further away, my fingers white knuckling that last lifeline I pray will keep me afloat. I’m still trying so hard to hold on for all whom I love, but the anger and darkness and depression are pulling me further and further away.
I have become an angry, miserable excuse for a human being. I am self consumed. Anyone’s happiness makes me cringe and become resentful, so much to the point that I had to shut each and every form of multimedia aside from my blog. I need this blog. I need to write. I know I am not alone here. I know others are suffering even more than I and an “I’m sorry” is so very insufficient. I hate it for all of us. I’m exhausted and tired and grasping. I refuse to succumb. I still have fight left somewhere and maybe I will find after some more sleep. I just pray when I am finally engulfed in wellness as opposed to this darkness, I still have a few people left around me that I haven’t yet scared away.