Today, the Energizer Bunny fizzled out, like a battery operated window candle that had been left on continuously for a few days. Perhaps I tried to do too much. I set up my Christmas Village, finished decorating the house, fixed the decorations in my front bay window which had all fallen down, made three kinds of cookies, put away a week’s worth of laundry for a family of five, and cleaned my sun porch. Despite that fact I continued to run around like an overtired 3 year old, becoming completely overwhelmed by the millions of other things that need to get done. Spending basically two weeks in bed really leaves a tremendous amount of catching up to do.
I told my husband tonight I overdid it today and was exhausted. He told me it was good I was exhausted, secretly hoping I’d go to sleep at a normal hour tonight. Of course this is due to his lack of understanding yet about this disease and how exhaustion can send me straight back into a dark place again or cause me to be a complete evil beast, one which reared her ugly head at dinner tonight. All it took was one irritating noise to send my neck jerking around like the Exorcist and glaring at him, I snapped, “Why are you slurping your spaghetti? You are supposed to spin it around on your fork and bite it!” Sadly, my boys and my husband looked at me wide eyed, trying to hide their feelings of disappointment in the realization that “happy, cookie” mom had left the building.
Now, here I sit, extremely agitated, short tempered and ready to pounce, so I have relegated myself to the basement to watch movies alone. Mommy’s Time Out. I’m kind of pissed that I couldn’t relax with a glass of wine while enjoying the movies, but such is life. Starting a new medicine, which I must confess, I stared at for a long time before finally taking tonight, makes me very leery of putting anything into the mix. I want to make sure nothing is interacting adversely, and certainly, I don’t need wine to add to my depression, but a nice glass of dark red wine would have been extremely nice tonight. (Maybe I could have one using Guided Imagery!)
You know, I’ve been thinking about this medication process. I just wonder if there is any behavior modification that could be done in place of medication so that I can embrace my happy days, control myself on my upswings and try to prevent myself from slipping into a deep, dark depression again, such as this last episode. Call me crazy (no pun intended), but I suppose one can dream. I just thought if I went through every aspect of my life, looked at my reactions and behaviors, recognized my triggers and made note of the negative behaviors so I would recognize them down the road, why not? I know, I know…very risky, very dangerous, probably the exact reason they started me on medication! I really do plan on making a timeline of every year and all my ups and downs just to make sense of it all. I made a mental one the other night when I couldn’t sleep, but when I woke yesterday, I felt so on top of the world, the last thing I wanted to do was make a formal timeline.
So anyway, here I sit watching Silver Linings Playbook for the sixth or seventh time because it has a happy ending, despite all the hardships the characters endure. I’ve read the book, which is much darker, but I loved it as well. I hope I find my Silver Lining someday soon. I thought I found it yesterday, but I’m wondering if the Lamictal hasn’t already begun to tarnish it.
