Three Months is a Lifetime

If you asked me three months ago if I could be still with myself, the answer would have been a strong, harsh no.  Three months ago today I was sent home from Princeton House Inpatient facility after spending forty three days there.  I was scared, unsure and still depressed, but no longer a danger to myself, as was the requirement for discharge.

I barely remember coming home or beginning my DBT program the following day.  Three months, however is a long time and in that time, I have learned a tremendous amount of skills, most importantly, the ability to sit silently, with myself without fidgeting, without overloading my brain with constant thoughts, without self doubt and with self compassion, key word being, WITH self compassion.  I am learning to love myself a little more each day.

Three months ago I honestly didn’t know how I was going to survive one day, let alone figure out I was capable of being loved by myself.   The concept was completely foreign to me. The depression still lurked within me and haunted me with its negative thoughts.

To some, three months may just be a quarter of the year, a season, a ninety day probationary period, but to me, three months has been a lifetime.  Today, after three months,  I am thankful for everything that has brought me to the present day, including the horrific things, because honestly, without all of the hellacious events I have been through, I would never have realized my ability to persevere.  Somewhere deep down inside of me, I was able to muster up the strength and the courage to summon help so I could conquer my demons and reintroduce myself to me.

Through it all, I have realized I am not so bad and I am deserving of love and respect, not just from my family and friends, but from myself.  Depression is bad. Bipolar illness is bad. Anxiety is bad. PTSD is bad. But Lydia, no Lydia is not bad because in the end, Lydia is Lydia, she is not her illnesses. And that my friends, is knowledge that is life changing and for which I will forever be grateful.

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