Last night I wanted to feel like a “normal” person, after the day I had and the self-loathing I inflicted upon myself, I needed a break from my current reality. We attended a Christmas party at a friend’s. I had not had any drinks for about two weeks now since I have been trying a new medication. Anyway, last night, everyone was drinking and festive and there I was, sipping my water bottle. Although I was still having fun, I wanted to have a glass of wine with my friends. So I did. Over the course of almost six hours, I had two and a half glasses of wine, which I don’t consider a lot, but what did me in were the two shots of moonshine. It was a huge mistake…HUGE. I normally don’t do shots or drink hard alcohol because I don’t like it and I don’t like the way I behave when I drink hard alcohol, but last night, I had a HUGE lapse in judgment which left me in a pile of self pity, weeping uncontrollably about ways I’ve thought about killing myself and how I just need to stop hurting my family and disappear because they would all be better off anyway. I would never go through with it, but I ended up scaring one of my best friends and my husband half to death.
It’s hard to explain how low you can sink to people who have never been there, and why thoughts such as death, escape, and disappearance become an almost viable option. It’s almost like daydreaming of ways to feel better. I suppose professionals call that suicidal ideation, right? If I were to be 100% honest, I’ve had these ideations for over 20 years intermittently. I just found a poem I wrote on August 27, 1991 at 19 years old. I am including it because it clearly depicts how low I have sunk repeatedly in my life.
It’s a Free Country
She was taught to keep her emotions inside,
And now, she was like a caged lion trying desperately to escape from behind the bars,
Presently holding her back from completely expressing herself.
She was taught to never reach out to people,
And now, she was like a helpless bunny rabbit caught between the jaws of a trap,
Trying desperately to escape,
To run away and hide from the pain,
Which presently overwhelmed her heart,
Prohibitting her from moving on with her life.
She was taught she was not capable of being loved,
And now she was like a restless fish, tangled in a net of needs,
Trying desperately to escape the confines,
She could see the love through the holes in the net,
Yet she could not get passed the obstacles in her mind.
She hadn’t the strength to fight anymore,
For her peace of mind and the minimal amount of tender, loving care necessary for survival,
And she collapsed on the floor from a broken heart,
Just as the lion lay down on the cold cement, behind bars,
To find eternal sleep.
Just as the rabbit lay helplessly between the jaws of the trap, no life left within,
And just as the fish lay breathlessly limp from dehydration in the net.
Yet, they are all free once more!
God Bless America!
Wow! Talk about a cry for help at 19! And I have more poems like that, books of them. Honestly, though, I would never ever go through with anything like that. For one I am a big chicken and secondly, nothing in my life goes as planned, so I’m sure if I attempted to hang myself from the apple tree in my back yard, I’d slightly break my neck but be confined to a wheel chair for the rest of my life, or if I took too many pills, they wouldn’t put me to sleep but rather leave me vomiting wildly and admitted to a hospital with a Suicide Watcher and NG tube down my throat. All I am saying is that I talk, I think, but I would never follow through. I do realize I have a tremendous amount to live for and life to look forward to when I begin to feel better. I told my husband tonight that I need to treat this as I would treat any other illness and give myself the time I need to feel better, to get well.
One step is to avoid alcohol all together for the time being. The last thing I need is to feel more depressed. I don’t depend on alcohol so it’s not that big of deal to me. All my evening of “normalcy” did was cause me to stay in bed for the entire day today, not wanting to see anyone or talk to anyone. The drastic ups and downs are eating away at me and from what I have read it could be weeks before I stabilize on the Lamictal. I’m willing to wait and see it through. My family and friends need me and I want to be there, but I will be in time. And hopefully, I’ll be an even better version of me, not only for them but for myself.