Sitting here at the age of 43, mother to three beautiful children, and married to a supportive and loving husband who’s been my best friend for the past 16 years, I never in a million years could have fathomed that I would be so lost and debilitated by such profound sadness, hatred and anger. Every day, I wake overwhelmed, confronted with two choices, either get up and get dressed and act like a mom and wife, or disappear to a place no one would ever find me.
Disappearing seems so nice, so easy. Who would miss me? Maybe my family’s life would be better off without this completely unpredictable, uncontrollable woman they once called “Mom.” The thoughts scare me. The darkness petrifies me. I have no intention of hurting myself. I am not suicidal; however, I do think that if I just went away, they would all be better off without me. The thought plagues my mind constantly.
I have experienced tremendous loss in my life, trauma, assault, and yet, I always forged ahead. Not now. Now I am a broken, ashamed woman, persecuting myself because I can’t pull myself out of this dark place. Every day I feel like a disappointment because I am letting my family down. I can’t be jovial and laugh and joke. The emotional decline seems never ending.
I decided to start Modern Day Scarlett O’Hara to memorialize and document my daily struggles with my PTSD and Depression. I am working with professionals. I am taking the medications they suggest, but I have a feeling it is going to be a long road. I have to believe that there is a reason I am surviving within my own personal hell. I am hoping that in some way, putting myself out here naked and exposed will not only help me process my pain and work through it, but that it may in some way help someone else as well.
