• Lydia Lampert

The Demon Won Tonight

The artist who created this masterpiece so perfectly depicts how I feel right now. I am in a shitty place right now and struggling to claw my way out from underneath this monster inside of me that rears his ugly head when my defenses are at their lowest. I fucking hate how this feels. It sucks and I truly feel that no one can even fathom how dark and ugly I feel inside. My mantras aren’t working. I am just depleted from overload. Overload of memories, emotions, pain, exhaustion and I feel defeated. I want someone to fix me tonight, to just love me for me, good and bad and now I have created a barrier with the one person who does, my husband. I give up. I’m so upset right now and praying tomorrow will be better. My throat hurts from yelling and trying to get him to understand, and instead he’s now shut down. I hate myself for doing this but when this happens it’s like an out of body experience, like watching a runaway train ready to fly off the tracks and being unable to stop it. I’m 65 days alcohol free, so now he thinks I’m supposed to be ok. I kept screaming that the alcohol was the symptom and now I haven’t even got that numbing agent to lessen the pain I feel when I am vulnerable. I need rest, and I need some seriously good healing vibes sent my way, please. #ptsd #hurtingsoul #apologynotaccepted #badbehavior #howdoistfu



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