I came to the realization today that I can no longer try to battle this disease alone. After dropping my children off at school, I felt limp and dead inside as I pulled over to the side of the road. Prior to leaving to bring them to school, my husband and I had words. He told me how we are all living in hell, and I quickly informed him that no one was living in hell more than I. I yelled at him that he should try living in my brain, the brain which has turned on me and constantly tells me I am worthless, my family deserves better, that I suck and that life for my family would be better off it I was gone, dead and gone. I have no actual plan to make those thoughts come to fruition; however, they have become constant and were really beginning to scare me. How long could I continue to ward them off? By 10:30 this morning, my body was drained and I was barely able to lift my arms. I had no fight left within and I called my husband crying to tell him I was done. I had no desire to continue like this and was ready to give up. As I spoke to him, I stared out the windshield blankly, eyes heavy from crying and utter exhaustion. When I hung up, I sat in my car, which was idling, with my head against the steering wheel, no music playing, It was just silent emptiness, and the only sounds were raindrops falling from the sky and hitting the roof of my minivan. I was scared, more scared than I have ever been in my life because I had never felt so ready to give up. I know I have written about these feelings before, but today, they would not stop. Today, I reached the point of desperation, the point of do or die literally.
I had no other choice but to finally concede and call for help. Somewhere within the shreds of hope and fight I had remaining, I mustered up the courage to contact an inpatient program. I was done battling this war with a one person army. I was setting myself up for defeat. I can’t be defeated by the powerful, negative mind that currently controls my every thought and I surrendered. So long as the behavioral health program I contacted has a bed available for me tomorrow, I will be checking myself in for intensive help.
The freedoms that I have today will no longer exist. No more contact with the outside world via electronic devices. No Nook for me to be able to read books. No music to listen to on my iPod, but what other choice do I have? I would have no access to these things should I allow these thoughts to finally convince me not to end it all, would I? I want and need to be here. I have three beautiful children and a husband that is beyond supportive and I want to find a way to enjoy my life again. I have friends that love me and have tried to help me, who are now completely at a loss and feeling powerless as well.
I am petrified and scared, especially based on my experience over twenty years ago, but today I realized, nothing can be as bad as this hell I am living everyday and subjecting my family to witness as I continually decline. I pray this decision helps to speed up the recovery process, because playing these trial and error games with different medications is not working, clearly. I will not be able to blog, but I am allowed to bring my bound journal (THANK GOD) and I have every intention of chronicling the experience every day, and when I finally get out, I plan to publish my experience and barrage you all with way too many posts to catch everyone up who has supported me up on my journey. I have loved all the words of encouragement I have received from you. They mean so very much to me, and I am praying that refusing to let this disease ruin my life, and taking the steps to control it into my own hands and trusting those who know best will also, possibly, give someone else the courage and strength to do the same thing. There is no shame in seeking help, and as much as I was worried my children would be embarrassed that their mom has to go away for a while, they were so relieved, because all they really want is their mother back, and so do I. They are My Why. So for now, Modern Day Scarlett bids you all adieu, but I will be back again, hopefully sooner than later. Keep plugging away because we all deserve to find a light at the end of this tunnel.
Much Love,
Modern Day Scarlett